What is the work we are doing in therapy?
Depending on the experience you’ve had with therapy, you might assume that therapy is primarily about off-loading your story to another human–get all the info transmitted accurately, much like a file transfer on your laptop. The therapist consolidates and compiles the info, reflects it to you, tells you frameworks for insight, and tips on how to move forward. That’s correct, but incomplete. Yes, I do care about the details of the complex family dynamics created by your parents. Yes, I want to know how you felt when your 3rd grade best friend shunned you in the playground after you revealed your secret.
But it goes deeper than that. There’s a story under the story you’ve been telling yourself for decades, the story that you’re only starting to unravel and speak the truth of. Hidden underneath are the fears that you’re too much, or not enough, and that once people really know you, warts and all, you will be rejected faster than a spoiled potato salad.
So, the work goes in layers. Initially, you may feel the growth edge of committing resources to showing up weekly with a human trained to hold whatever comes up for you. A few sessions in, you may hesitate to share certain revealing details (and that’s ok–you get to choose how much and when to share). You may at times feel exhausted and unable to share much in session because you’re just trying to get by in your daily life. You may have other things come up that feels waaaay more pressing than therapy. And you’re right–those things are important. It’s just that it doesn’t necessarily mean setting yourself aside, because showing up for therapy empowers you to navigate all those situations and feelings. Not perfectly, but with more self-regulation and compassion.
Because therapy, at the end of the day, isn’t about learning all the tips and tricks of the mental health trade. Because we all know how to Google questions, and talk to ChatGPT (even if we don’t want to). Because at the end of the day, the one thing therapy offers to us is a real human being, and that is irreplaceable. What you will find out in therapy is that your therapist will model being with yourself with whatever comes up in session, and that you will survive. The scariest feelings, the worries that you ruminate on as you drift off to sleep–they lose their grip in the presence of a kind, attuned other, a nervous system trained to hold and co-regulate with yours. Because everything happens in life, but you don’t have to face it alone. We can carry it all together.
