Good Mother’s Day Grief
Holidays can bring up a lot–unspoken expectations, commercial pressures, relational dynamics. Social media often adds to the bombardment of images and messages. Mother’s Day in particular can feel loaded–bringing up memories of your complicated relationship with your mom, possibly dredging up grief about what you received or didn’t receive. This holiday might be hard because you hold desires to be a mother, or you did, and you’re not sure how viable they are anymore. Or maybe you are a mother, and it’s not exactly a bed of roses–you may feel alone carrying the mental load for your family. Maybe your mother passed away years ago, and the ache is still palpable. I feel so much with clients, peers, and myself.
In recent years, I’ve felt grateful to people shedding light on the complicated layers associated with Mother’s Day–whether it be Instagram posts acknowledging this, or my friend Krystal holding a special yoga session for Mother’s Day-related grief, I feel less alone knowing others experience this too. Maybe it reminds me that we are inextricably relational, and mothers are such pivotal figures–they do so much, and yet they also fall short sometimes.
This tension can feel hard to reconcile. We often hear–parents are trying their best. They didn’t know. Yes, that may be true–and sometimes, parents can cause real harm. They can abuse us, neglect us. How do we make peace with all this? Even in the most secure attachments, parents can provide incredible nurture but still hurt us with a sideways comment or misattuned moment. Add intersectional layers of social location (cultural/racial, economic, political, gender, religion, etc). Who to blame? Regardless, we need to name the pain. It’s real.
Maybe the takeaway is this–we can be grateful for all that mothers have done, and can do, and also acknowledge that we need more. Whatever your experience of biological mothers, it’s not too late. You can re-parent yourself. You can start (or continue) rebuilding secure attachment, with others and yourself—even today.
