You prepare by naming your anticipatory grief– the various feelings and processes you may experience as you confront approaching loss, or death. It is accepting that the change will come, regardless of every imaginable shield you put up. You face the impending loss of that relationship and acknowledge the potential impact on your identity, your role and how you move in this world.

Why does knowing about anticipatory grief matter?

While language doesn’t resolve every problem, it provides context for your experience, and can reduce the shame that may be elicited at times. Noticing that you’re feeling tense with worry about how to engage your recently diagnosed family member? That’s part of the process. Maybe you’re not even thinking about your loved one’s illness, and you’re wondering if you’re even grieving at all. It might be hard to understand, but you probably are.

What might trigger anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief may be elicited by not only one’s impending death but by a difficult medical diagnosis, or the loss of dreams. A significant detour on your charted path may awaken you to the reality of aging–perhaps more of your years are behind you than ahead of you. Or a rupture in relationship startles you into re-evaluating your relationship with this person, and identifying what values you want to orient your remaining time with.

What can you do with anticipatory grief?

The good news is, knowing what is coming prepares you to care for yourself, and your loved ones, and to create scaffolding to uphold you during the rough waters ahead. You won’t freak out (as long) when you have a sudden deluge of tears. Or when you feel a surge of anger at the person who’s dying. You can practice self-compassion. Waves of sadness may cause you to pull away at times. Maybe you’ll recognize your colleague doing the same, and you’ll gently check in with them. Maybe you’ll take this impending loss as motivation to purposefully move towards a more aligned life. Maybe you’ll reach out for support, and know that you’re not alone.