Whether you lost your parent at an early age, or you’re grappling with a different loss, you’re not alone in trying to make sense of it all. As humans, we are meaning-making creatures, and when something tragic happens, we are left speechless because it simply does not compute. Our “grief brain” can’t handle the initial chaos. What happened wasn’t “supposed to” happen. And yet it did. The good news is that, with time and space to make sense of your loss, you will literally tell stories to yourself and others about what happened, and heal. At first, just the facts, and then later, with thicker details, as my last class in Early Parent Loss with David Kessler and Hope Edelman taught me. In fact, as you confide your story, you will naturally “reality test” your story, and refine it over time.

What role do people play in your story?

Perhaps some people are the villains and some are the heroes. What role do you play in your story? Are you the victim? The villain? The hero? All three? Maybe over time as you glean more details about what precisely happened in and around the loss, you might forgive yourself, and others. You might recognize there’s more to the story that you couldn’t have known back when it happened.

How does your story fall short?

Perhaps the emotional hold of the story that you have is too much, and it’s not working for you anymore. Maybe you’re moving into a different season of life and you’re realizing that you need a different story to make sense of this new chapter.

How can you write a new story?

Thankfully, you don’t need to stay stuck in this version. You get to ask new questions about your loss. You get to question the seemingly immutable truths about who you are. What else is true about your identity? Finish this sentence: “One important thing that my story leaves out is that…”. As you hold your story of loss, may you find a compassionate release to re-write your script, and re-discover who you are in the midst of it all.