Is it a personality trait or a coping strategy?
Last week, David Kessler and Hope Edelman’s Early Parent Loss training was all about coping strategies kids develop to deal with overwhelming feelings associated with losing their parent. Each strategy is an attempt to deal with fundamental questions about how to engage in a terrifying world after parent loss, eg. “how do I stay safe?” becomes hyper-independence. “How can I keep the people that I love safe?” morphs into becoming the caregiver. “How do I make sense of this loss?” becomes seeking purpose by mirroring parent’s traits or values.
How does this coping strategy serve you?
You may find that your strategy has helped you feel safe, protect others or find purpose after your loss. You may find your identity and worth as a caregiver, the one people can turn to. You may find carrying on your deceased parent’s work deeply meaningful.
When is it worth breaking up with the coping strategy?
A life transition may surface the deficiencies of your coping skill. Perhaps a milestone is showing you that what worked for isn’t anymore. Take a moment to reflect: if you gave up this strategy, what would you gain in return?
A coping strategy is not a personality trait
You may not know until you start shifting your behaviors what is ingrained vs. what was adopted out of sheer survival need. You may be surprised to discover what you’re capable of, what new traits you may take on as you step outside of your comfort coping zone. Tell me, what might be the story waiting to be told?
